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"Hi there. My student doesn’t have friends and is feeling lonely. I don’t know how to support them.”  

First, a reframe: If they’re calling you, they obviously already find you supportive. So keep it up! I know, seeing them unhappy makes you feel like you should do something. But listening is doing something. Don’t know what to say? That works in your favor, because young people mostly want their parents to listen. They want your input? (Or you just can’t stop yourself?) Here are a few suggestions.  

• Their roommate. Yes, they have one. Actually, they probably have several. Research shows that graduation rates are higher for students who live on campus, so colleges have been piling undergraduates into every room available. Suggest that your teenager socialize with their roommate, who is honestly probably on the phone with their parents. (You wouldn’t believe the number of students I have met who have never had a real conversation with the person sharing their dorm room.) 
• Level their expectations appropriately. They need to stop comparing people they have just met to their old friends from home. The only way to make good friends is to start with acquaintances, work your way up through mediocre and only so-so friends, go through good times and bad together and voila!: lifelong friendship. In short, the only way to meet people is . . . to meet people. And the only way to get to know people is . . . to get to know them. 
• Free time is highly overrated. That’s right – they need to be busy and overextended like the rest of us! Colleges are bursting with interpersonally rich experiences: Students just need to show up! There are dorm social events, clubs and activities, intramural sports, dance, music, and various performances; pretty much anything from trivia to fashion to rocketry. None of those things are right for your student? There’s research or volunteer work, not to mention getting a job. All of these are excellent ways to make friends and build community. 
• Tell them to get off the phone. With you, I mean. If they’re on the phone with you, they’re not talking to someone new. Resist the urge to check in on them every day. This can make them miss home more, and can inadvertently send the message that you don’t think they can handle being on their own. 

Worried that this is more than a phase? This is a bit of a judgment call, but you know your kid best. Here’s some guidance on when to intervene.   

Mathilde Ross, MD is a Senior Staff Psychiatrist at Boston University Student Health Services. She is the author of the upcoming book, How to Thrive at College: A Guide to the Ups and Downs of Mental Health on Campus.

mathilderossauthor.com 

The Parents & Family Advice Column is for general informational purposes, and is not a substitute for professional consultation.